Dating after divorce doesn’t just happen overnight. You don’t just wake up one day and think, “I’m ready to date again”. It often comes with lots of back and forth conversations with yourself about whether or not you are really ready to get back out there and what other people are going to think of you if you decide to go for it.
Deciding to date again after a divorce is a decision that many of us go back on forth on. There’s often a silent internal battle that we go through with ourselves.
If you have been going through this, just know that you are not alone and that there is a way through it. Let’s talk about it.
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The Emotional Rollercoaster of Post Divorce Dating
Am I Allowed To Do This?
As the first thoughts of dating again start to come through, your mind will begin to spin. You begin to wonder if it’s too soon, what your family and friends will think about you, you’ll wonder if you are dateable, and all kinds of crazy thoughts. I call them crazy thoughts because they are.
You are the only person who knows when you are ready to start dating again. I remember when I began to get the first whiffs of wanting to start dating again.
One day, I very bravely but shyly mentioned to my friend that I felt I was ready. It had been 6/7 months since my separation, and I felt awful for saying it, but I had to test the waters to see what my request sounded like outside of my head. She quickly answered, No, not at all.
Suddenly, all the anxiety that I felt disappeared within those few seconds. Being ready to date again after divorce isn’t about anyone else, it’s about you and your readiness. There is no timeline for when you should be ready, it really is down to you and how you feel about it.
The Highs
The first time you dip your toe into the dating pool, you might be surprised how much you might like it. Having attracted the attention of another person who is interested in you for you is extremely exciting. You might be surprised by how much the attention of another person can make you feel wanted.
If you were previously in a relationship where you lacked emotional connection, having the attention of another person who wants you for who you are can feel intoxicating. It would be easy to fall into a rebound relationship just because you enjoy the attention of another person. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying attention from another person, but just make sure you keep one foot on the ground so that you don’t get too lost in the fairytale of it.
The Lows
Dating is never a straight line, and things may pop up that you aren’t expecting. Unresolved rejection issues may show their head if a date doesn’t go well. You might find that you begin to compare this date to your previous relationship.
It’s okay to also take a break from dating. If you feel along the way that it’s draining you or that you aren’t as ready as you thought you were, feel free to stop and take a break. It’s okay.
Divorce changes you as a person. The person you once were has probably changed and become more complex. How you would choose a partner today compared to back then is likely very different. If you once cherished stability, you might find that you prefer adventure.
There will be lots of things about you that would have changed, and you will slowly begin to unravel them as you develop into this new person. It’s completely normal.
The Vulnerability Phase
Opening yourself up to someone new can be tough. It can make you feel vulnerable as you begin to share pieces of your life with this other person. You are essentially showing them exactly how they can hurt you. This is where post-divorce dating gets very real.
Intimacy isn’t just about physical closeness, it’s about trusting someone with your story and all your scars. Vulnerability is a risk, but it’s also the only way to find a love that fits with the person that you are now.
The Quiet Wins
Let me be honest with you. There are some quiet wins along the way when it comes to dating after divorce. There will come a time when you can actually talk about your ex without feeling any animosity or feeling like crying.
There will be a time when you will be able to easily walk away from a relationship because it doesn’t suit the direction that you want to go in, and there will be a time when you will feel genuine happiness. Not because of a person, but because that’s just how you feel.
These moments matter because they are proof that you are developing as a person. You are not just surviving divorce, but you are learning and improving because of it.
Final Thoughts On The Emotional Rollercoaster of Dating
The beautiful thing about the rollercoaster of dating after divorce is that you get to see the amazing changes within yourself. Dating is no longer about finding a person to either replace what you lost or to complete you, but it’s about finding a person who complements who you already are.
It’s all about the trial and error process and exploring what works for you. You might find that person who’s for you, or you may realise that you want to spend some time alone just being single. Either way, it’s a way to learn more about yourself and the person who you want to be a part of your life.
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