Relationships are complicated, no matter what your background. Relationships consist of 2 people with different backgrounds trying to find a way for their lives to fit together.
They become further complicated when we unknowingly look for problems where there are none.
You might find yourself in a really great relationship with someone who seems to check all the boxes, but all of a sudden, you find yourself creating problems where there are none.
You could be engaging in relationship self-sabotage without even realising it.
Recognising these behavioural patterns is the first step towards building healthier connections. Here are eight common ways people unintentionally damage their relationships and how to stop.
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8 Ways You Are Self-Sabotaging Your Own Relationship
1. Testing Your Partner’s Loyalty
Sometimes we aren’t even aware that we are doing this. People sometimes create unnecessary tests for their partners to see if they will pass in order to prove that their partner loves them.
It could be tests such as mentioning an ex to provoke a reaction or doing something intentionally to check their loyalty to you. While this might feel like self-protection, it actually creates instability and eventual problems in your relationship.
Instead of constantly testing your partner, try opening up and communicating how you are feeling. Express your needs clearly, and give your partner a chance to meet them without mind games.
2. Comparing Your Relationship to Others
Social media and romantic movies often portray unrealistic relationship standards. They make us believe that our partners should be doing more for us. It tries to get us to live up to a standard that is not reachable. Comparing your partnership to these idealised versions can make you feel dissatisfied with what you have.
Instead of focusing on what you are seeing on social media, focus on your relationship’s unique strengths and the good things that you share together. Every couple has challenges they just don’t show that side online.
3. Avoiding Vulnerability
Fear of getting hurt can lead people to keeping emotional walls up. You may not want to face tough subjects or try to turn serious conversations into a joke.
You do this so that you don’t have to share your true feelings and make yourself vulnerable to your partner.
Try to go against this narrative by taking small steps towards being more vulnerable. Let your partner see the real you.
4. Keeping One Foot Out the Door
Some people hesitate to fully commit. That might look like you avoiding discussions around future plans together or by refusing to say “I love you”. This self-protective strategy prevents deep connection.
Taking small risks by being open and vulnerable will go a long way.
5. Turning Small Issues Into Big Fights
Minor disagreements can escalate very quickly when unresolved emotions are involved.
Bringing up or holding on to past mistakes and using language such as “You always…” makes conflicts worse. Rather than throwing out an accusation, try to ask a question and listen for the response.
Ask yourself if the argument is really about the issue at hand or something deeper.
6. Expecting Your Partner to Read Your Mind
If you don’t communicate how you feel, your partner will never know. Assuming your partner should just “know” what you need sets relationships up for failure. Uncommunicated expectations often lead to frustration in a relationship because those needs can never be met.
Try to be clear in your communication and help your partner to understand what it is that you need.
7. Focusing Only on Flaws
When insecurity creeps in, it’s easy to fixate on a partner’s imperfections while overlooking their good qualities.
You can counter this by consciously taking the time to appreciate the things that you love about them.
8. Sabotaging Happy Moments
Some people feel uneasy when things are going well, almost waiting for the other shoe to drop. You expect that things are going to go wrong, and because of that, you cause problems so that the thing you are anticipating will happen faster.
When you notice this urge, it’s best to pause, recognise it for what it is, and try to enjoy the moment for what it is.
Final Thoughts on How to Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Relationship
In order to break these self-sabotaging habits, you need to start with awareness. When you catch yourself falling into these old habits, it’s best to stop spiraling for a moment and identify it for what it is.
Take a step back and have a conversation wth yourself about why you are feeling this way. If you can, talk it over with your partner. Sometimes when we speak about these things openly, it makes it easier for us to process and come to the conclusion that there is nothing in it.
Healthy relationships take work, but they’re worth it. By recognising and changing these behaviors, you can build stronger, more fulfilling connections.
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